Things happened. Weird things. And I decided to try monogamy and to work on my marriage one last time. And, it’s been mostly okay… except for the times that it’s royally sucked ass chunks.
I’d gotten into the habit of emotionally leaning on my lovers. They were my outlet. I could do anything with as few or as many words as I wanted. I could completely unload and vent without judgement. Or, I could avoid everything that was going on in my life and just indulge in them and their presence in my life. They were my therapy. And, they worked pretty well. Until they didn’t, but that’s a different post for a different day.
Now, I only have him. He’s emotionally invested and completely impartial. I can’t vent to him about him. It would piss me off if he added his two-cents and it would piss me off if he had no response at all. So, I just can’t vent to him. And, our sexual history with each other is tainted. So, even though he’s attractive, I just do not want to have anything physical to do with him. It’s so risky that it’s a downright turn-off.
So, I’m stuck with these negative emotions from an all-too-familiar, unnecessarily long argument and all I want to do is message one of my lovers and vent. And, to be honest, I want to be fucked, too. I’m on my period, so it wouldn’t happen. But, I just want to let go and escape. I’d even had the thought that I want to leave the country for a few days. *sigh*
Maybe I should throw myself into something productive. Maybe I should throw myself into a work project. But, I really, really want to call up one of my ex-guys, talk his ear off (or not), and give my body over to him…. just escape.
He asked me why I’m still upset about the argument and I wanted to ask him if I’d fucked someone, would he be over it 2 days later. Heaven help me if this happens one more time so close to this surge of loneliness/helplessness/longing/stuckness, we just might get a real-world answer to that question.